It wasn't me, I swear

I try to play pickup basketball a couple times a week at the gym. Over the past couple years, I have come to a point where I absolutely have to stretch before I start playing, or there is about a 50% chance I will strain or pull something enough that I walk with a limp the next day in class. I guess that’s part of getting a little bit older. The problem is, I still occasionally get pimples on my forehead. I thought those two stages of life were mutually exclusive. I’m not happy about this.

It blows me away that Northwestern State University is in the state of Louisiana. What the hell is Louisiana northwest of? Cuba?

I think it’s funny how macaroni and cheese boxes always list the nutritional content prepared and unprepared. Great, without the butter and milk, a serving of this stuff is only 110 calories. For my new diet I plan on chowing down on the uncooked pasta and then washing it down with this dry powdered cheese mix.

ESPN.com posted a poll online the other day asking it’s readers to cast a vote for what their favorite sport was. I was not surprised to find football was the number one choice. I was a bit puzzled that NASCAR came in a distant fifth, however, behind football, baseball, basketball and hockey. I thought this was the “sport” that has more spectators than any other and regularly draws a hundred thousand fans to a single race. Then I remembered: the typical NASCAR fan is probably not the kind of person who regularly uses things like the Internet.

The other day I got in a debate with a friend who grew up in Canada about whose nation was better. He pointed out that the rest of the world pretty much hates the United States, George Bush, and our constant meddling in foreign affairs, while no such ill will exists towards Canada. I thought about it for a minute, then said, “well, at least all of our magazines are always a buck cheaper than yours.”

I saw a Plymouth Voyager minivan today that had the license plate “OG BLING.”

So I bought a new electric toothbrush the other day, the Oral B Pulsar. I loved it so much I recommended it to my roommate, who also bought a Pulsar. And it was a great brush… until it died and I realized that there were no batteries to replace, and I would have to buy a new one. I considered stealing my roommates’ brush, until I realized he would probably wonder why his suddenly stopped working. Also, he might have been suspicious when he realized it was a different color.

Here’s an interesting fact. In the history of the Kansas men’s basketball team, only one coach has ever had a losing record. That losing coach’s name? James Naismith. But, in his defense, he did invent the game of basketball.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays shortstop BJ Upton’s initials stands for Bossman Junior. Yeah, I would go by BJ, too.

I recently had the opportunity to participate in a game my buddies call “credit card roulette.” It’s a simple game, really. You share a meal at a restaurant with friends, and when the bill comes, you simply each hand the waitress a credit card and ask her to pick which one to charge. It’s a great game until you end up spending fifty-eight freaking dollars at Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. I felt awful about losing the game and spending so much money at such a crappy place until my buddy Moises tried to console me by telling me, “Don’t feel bad, Scott, it’s just a game. You won!”

I have a just terrible sense of smell. But I don’t think that is a bad thing at all, because roughly ninety percent of the time someone asks me to smell something, it’s along the lines of, “Awww man! Can you smell that?”

I hate it when houses have five digits in their addresses. Are all those digits really necessary? Come on, like there’s ten thousand houses on this street?

When most people play a video game, they choose their character based on which one is the coolest, or which one has the best weapon, but I always chose the best looking female. I figure, if I have to look at the character the whole time I am playing, I might as well be looking at a hot chick.

After spending the past six weeks in an energy drink induced frenzy preparing for, and taking my finals, I have decided that my tuition money may have been better spent if I had invested all of it into stock of Diet Rock Star.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car the other day that said “Deaf Chicks Rule.” I was about to honk to show my support, but then I thought – what’s the point?

The student group USC Law Democrats has a board at school they usually use to promote favorable propositions or endorse various democratic candidates. This week, however, the group has posted a much simpler message: a photo of Dick Cheney, smiling happily as he holds a rifle.

I read an interesting case in my criminal law book the other day where a defendant tried to claim self defense after he shot an innocent Asian kid. To support his claim, the guy offered evidence that he believed the kid was an expert in martial arts because of his race. In other words, his defense was that he shot a random Chinese kid because he was afraid the kid was a ninja.

So I’m watching an NBA game, and the coach calls timeout with his team down seven, and 11 seconds left. I really wonder what he is saying to the team. If I were coach, I would be completely lost as to what to tell them. “Well, uh, we better start throwing up some threes, I guess. And do it really fast.”

For my spring break this year, I set off with a couple of friends for Las Vegas. Coincidentally, I received my tax refunds the very same morning I departed on my trip. I’m not going to take that as a sign that I don’t need to worry about what I lose in Vegas or anything…. no, wait, I am taking it as a sign.

The other day my friend forgot to take a porno out of his laptop and in the middle of class he accidentally hit the button on the side of his computer and it popped open, revealing to this cute girl that sat next to him that he did, in fact, own the DVD “Naughty Blondes.” He was really embarrassed. At least, I think he was really embarrassed. Because this happened to a friend, not to me. I swear.