C-Webb and Pacman

January 28, 2006

Is there any greater waste of paint then putting “COMPACT” on a parking spot? Like that stops anyone from parking there? People must often glance down and think, sure it says compact, but there is no reason why my Chevy Suburban can’t fit here. I see it every damn day, and it continues to amaze me.

So I spent eight hours on Christmas day driving to South Lake Tahoe to work instead of staying home, enjoying a big dinner with my family, and watching two NFL games. I got stuck in the first big snow storm of the year and sat in traffic for three hours, dead stopped. I had to pay $90 for chains, which I had to put on and take off twice. I got into Tahoe past midnight, and called work, who told me not to bother showing up. On the other hand, while I was stopped in traffic, I really did catch fire on spider solitaire. I think I really did increase my percentage games won a ton.

A couple buddies of mine live on Lakeview Drive in Tahoe, which is stupid, because I can’t see the lake for shit from anywhere on that road.

I just found a picture of a bum on the internet holding up a cardboard sign that says “Ninjas killed my family- need $ for Kung-Fu lessons.” I don’t often use the words “bum” and “creative” in the same sentence, but I believe this is such an opportunity to do so.

You know what I hate? Those shower knobs that are super sensitive, so when you want to turn up the water heat a tiny bit, you get burned. Know what else I hate? Those shower knobs that are placed at elbow level, so you bump them all the time while washing yourself. So, take a guess what I really, really hate.

So, I spent my winter break driving from LA to northern California and back again. I have officially decided my favorite dangerous driving game is identifying the movie that people are playing on their DVD players in their SUVs as I drive down the freeway. The other day I saw a Chevy Tahoe playing Napoleon Dynamite. I think I might have pissed off a bunch of people as I drove about 55 MPH slightly behind and to the right of the Chevy so I could watch the dancing scene.

Speaking of DVD players in cars, is anyone else my age as pissed off as I am about the fact that we didn’t have the ability to watch TV in cars when we were growing up? I used to go on family trips, and instead of a nice, comfortable SUV with a TV and DVD player, we had a tiny Toyota Camry with no air conditioning. And usually my sister and I were shoved in the back seat with an ice chest, two folding chairs, and one of those mini gas grills.

My buddy Seth hates the Olive Garden. He calls it the Italian Denny’s.

This year marked the sixth season of the fantasy football league I have been in with a bunch of friends since high school. I think my favorite part of the league may be the creativity we have used to name our teams. Some of my favorites of the past couple years include: Jewish Mormons, Angry Lesbians, Wet Farts, Alejandro Poopskins, Smelly Pirate Hookers, Chinese Asian Hoes, Chinese4USADemise, Claudia Hates Beans (a stab at my exgirlfriend from 8th grade), Beef Curtains, and the Hairy Imbeciles. Man, are we clever.

There is restaurant down the street from my house named Chef Marilyn’s 99 Cent Soul Food Express Buffet. Apparently the fact that the food costs less than a dollar is quite an attraction around here, as I have seen a line stretch out the door several times as I have driven by. However, the allure of food for under a buck for some reason has quite the opposite affect on me.

A good friend of mine recently told me about a job she was considering. It involved doing photoshop work for a magazine that specialized in, get this, school transportation. And it actually has a reader base of almost 1.5 million people. Are you kidding me? A million and a half people care enough about school buses to read about them every month? I now refer to her job as the BMF – the Bus Magazine Factory.

An important life lesson I have learned is to never flush paper towels down the toilet. Ever. Just trust me on this one.

One of the things I love about LA is the fact that the weather is better here than where you are. I don’t care where you are, or what time of year it is. The weather here is better. Seriously. It’s great. I will not argue about this, because I’m right.

Sometimes, when I wake up at 7 AM to attend another day chock full of boring classes, I start to get just a little depressed. I have two and a half more years of really difficult schooling to look forward to, for which I will be going into massive debt. But then I think to myself, you know what, this is much better than prison. I try to keep a pretty positive outlook on life.

Did you know that Steve Smith and Chad Johnson attended Santa Monica College together in 1997? If that isn’t the greatest duo of wide receivers at a junior college ever, I will eat my shorts.

So I was cruising through myspace the other day, and I happened to come across a profile of a person who claimed to be Chris Webber. He had it set up so you could play PacMan on his profile. Well, regardless of whether it was C-Webb or not, I played PacMan for a good half hour. I’m definitely adding that profile as a friend.

I was taking a pee the other day while simultaneously checking my voicemail when disaster nearly struck. My phone, nuzzled between my shoulder and ear, suddenly fell, plummeting directly toward the urine filled toilet. With cat like prowess, my hand shot out and grabbed the phone out of mid air, mere inches above the bowl. Simply put, that might have been the luckiest moment of my life.