I don't know how to make hyperlinks

I suppose I should learn, but I'm lazy and don't care enough.

This is the funniest thing I've read in a while:


"I, Jason Mulgrew, am a terrible lover. I have no idea how to please a woman sexually (or emotionally, psychologically, or mentally, for that matter). If you go to bed with me, it will be an unpleasant experience that will feature 40-80 seconds of rocking motion, then a noise that sounds like a grizzly bear falling down a flight of stairs, then a request for a high five. This is all I can give you, aside for upwards of $90 for your troubles. In my bedroom, you are more likely to find a Sasquatch eating a sandwich while Santa Claus masturbates than you are to have an orgasm."


Kinda long, but worth reading.

http://www.jasonmulgrew.com/main/2007/04/24/

Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade

Ever wondered what ex-NFL linebacker Bill Romanowski is up to these days? Well, the known steroid user who once spit in the face of another player during a game and punched a teammate out in practice has decided to begin a second career in acting. He will play a gay cowboy in the movie Wieners, about three friends who travel across the country in a hot dog shaped truck. I’m not making this up.

I signed on to MySpace today and realized that the song on my profile was “It’s Raining Men” by the Weather Girls. I have no idea who set it, nor do I have any clue how long that has been the music that plays when people click on my webpage, but I'm not especially happy about this.

For some reason, I have a natural distrust of people under the age of 30 with beards. There is no logical rationalization for this, it’s just how it is.

My friend Megan convinced me to wear roller skates to a club with her last week because it was her birthday and supposedly there would be roller skating. Being fairly toasted by the time we got there, I failed to notice I was the only guy on the small dance floor converted into a really crappy rink. After doing a sort of uncoordinated dance/skate to the tunes of Chamillionaire and others for a good half an hour, I finally became aware I was still the only dude skating. Then I slowed down enough to see the flier: “Tuesday at Sachi Nightclub: Megan and Matt’s B-Day Party! Girls bring your roller skates.” Thanks a lot, Megan.

There are few better feelings than, after watching a movie with a girl, getting back into your car and ripping a huge fart that you have been struggling to hold back for two hours.

I came across the profile of a girl on Match.com who’s user name was “Munchboxbabe.” Somewhat confusingly, she was straight.

My roommates and I recently ordered HBO (simply so we could watch the new season of Entourage) and unbeknownst to me we were given a free trial of Showtime. That is, I didn’t realize we had a free trial until the late night showing of “Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade” mysteriously showed up on our DVR.

I commend Dateline

So my TV is on as I'm laying on my bed typing this and the show Dateline: To Catch a Predator is on. I tell you what, I'm adding this one to a high priority on my DVR after watching an episode and a half.

They catch guys coming over to 12 to 15 year old girls (and sometimes boys) houses with condoms, beer, weed, etc and then tape the guy's reaction as they read back the IM conversation where the guy asks the teen if she wants to try anal sex or something. They read back one conversation that went like this:
[fake14yroldboy]: u wont tell any1 that im gay will u
[sickinternetpredator]: if u wont tell anyone u *****ed my ****

Then they get his reaction when they reveal that they have been filming him since he walked in. Finally, we get to see the guy jumped by the overly dramatic police as soon as the pervert goes out the front door. They even had a cop camouflaged in a hedge who would jump out and tackle the guy.

I have no idea how they get the guys to agree to be so incredibly publicly humiliated on nation TV. Highly entertaining. Definitely the first show on MSNBC I've ever added to my favorites list. Hmm, maybe that's a sign I'm growing up. Either that or it's a signal MSNBC is moving closer to the usual trashy MTV/VH1 reality shows that are my favorites.

At the conclusion of the show, they show the guy, his real name, location, and what has become of him. The swarmy looking foreign guy, not surprisingly, has a warrant out for his arrest. The rest all have received similar sentences, 5 to 7 years in prison plus 8-10 years of probation. Except one guy, who got 2 years but never served any time because the judge suspended his sentence. And that was the guy who drove 223 miles and literally walked into a house naked where he thought he was meeting a 13 year old!

So I guess the moral of the story is: not only is it sick as fuck for a person to actually meet children online with the intention of having sex with them, but you may have your life absolutely ruined on national TV. I commend D:TCAP for doing this. It's a great public service to put these kind of people behind jail. But as added lesson, if you have a lawyer as good as John Kennelly of Tampa, Florida did, you might be able to get away with not going to prison for half a decade. This, my friends, is the importance of lawyers.

I admit, I stole this from some girl's MySpace page

... but it's damn funny.

"Apples and Wine...Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men...Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."

The most important question

I saw a highlight of this British reality TV show where a bunch of guys competed, Bachelor style, for the hand of this smoking hot girl. The winner received 10,000 pounds (about $17,000) and got to go on a trip with this Penelope Cruz lookalike. At the end of the show, however, the winner was presented with a big surprise. This gorgeous girl admitted that, in fact, she was actually born a man. The guy was then given a choice on whether he still wanted to take the money and go on the trip with her. At this point, the only question running through my head was whether the “girl” was pre-op or post-op. But to my amazement, the guy didn’t even ask. I mean, come on, to me, whether or not this person had a penis would be the deciding factor in making the decision to spend a romantic week in the Bahamas with him/her.

Dramatically Whiter Teeth

My buddy Dan decided he wanted to go to law prom the last day tickets were still for sale, so he phoned our classmate Steve to pick them up at school for him. When he bought the tickets, Steve had to fill out the name of Dan’s date. True to form, Dan came through for his friend. On the night of law prom there was a name placard for “Bubbles McGee.”

I like Sarah Silverman so much when I put in a friend request on MySpace and actually
signed in to the site like three times today specifically to see if she had accepted my friend request so I could put her in my “top friends.”

You know what really sucks? Sitting next to a really, really fat guy at the movie theater who takes up the entire armrest and is constantly touching you for the entire time. I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Here’s an observation: girls LOVE Jim from The Office and Grey’s Anatomy.

The best part about Facebook is when you get a newsfeed of something like “Craig Williams left the group “If this group exceeds 99,999 my professor will BUY ME A KEG!!!” 10:28pm.

I wonder what percentage of people who just read the above paragraph have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.

I have a this one friend who, I’ve noticed, always uses the short urinal when he takes a piss. He told me one time that he does that on purpose so he doesn’t get his penis wet.

I have driven by a car coming home from school everyday this week up for sale. On the window, the owner has apparently scrawled with some soap “ $900- pink slip!” I would agree that proof of ownership is a fairly important part in buying a car, but if that’s the best the car has to offer, I don’t think I’m interested.

John Amaemchi, ex-NBA center who recently said he was gay, on people who use the old testament to justify anti-homosexual views: “It also forbids eating shellfish. If being gay is as bad as going to Red Lobster, I’m not really worried about it.”

The other day I was driving somewhere with my buddy George when he suddenly declared that he was going to pull over to poop at Jack in the Box, despite the fact we were headed to his house, and it was less than ten minutes away. I do not envy how badly he must have had to poop.

Button fly jeans are one of the worst inventions ever. The person who designed them never tried to get drunk and pee a half dozen times constantly unbuttoning and buttoning those stupid pants.

I saw a guy at a club the other night wearing a CSUDH jersey. Yes, he was wearing a California State University Dominguez Hills basketball jersey. At a club.

The last two times I have gone to Mexican restaurants, I have ordered a tostada. Both times, I received my tostada with no cheese. Twice in a row? I really don’t get what Mexicans have against dairy and I.

For most, this is probably obvious, but I still think it’s worth stating here: do not buy sushi from Ralph’s supermarket.

I had my car towed last week and it cost me $170. I actually wasn’t too upset initially, because I paid over $300 last time I got towed. But now, every time I go somewhere, I keep being reminded about what I could have used that $170 for. At lunch, I realized I could have bought 26 burritos from Chipotle. Walking around campus, I realized I could have gotten the Zoom! Laser Teeth Whitening for $169. Damn! If I had realized the sign had said “No Parking 7 PM – 7 AM” and not the inverse hours I could have had dramatically whiter teeth.