No, you can't have my job if I die

My roommate CS, while a great guy, had the misfortune of completely striking out at on campus interviews this fall, and thus does not have a coveted summer associate position locked up for the summer. Now, I love the guy, but this recent dream he had worried me a bit.

We were hanging out, and CS looks at me and says, "So I had this kind of weird dream last night, and I'm not sure if I should tell you about it."

"What the hell does that mean? You have to tell me now," I responded.

"OK, well after I talked to you last night and you said you were driving back to LA in the middle of the night, I went to sleep and dreamed that you were killed in a car accident. For some reason, I had to call [firm that employs Scott] and tell them you wouldn't be able to work for them this summer."

"That's not so bad. So?"

"Well, they offered me your job and I took it. I was pumped I had a summer job. I was actually kind of pissed when I woke up and realized I was still unemployed."

"But wasn't that offset by the fact that I hadn't died?"

"Well, I told you I wasn't sure if I should tell you about it."

Sticks and Ants

I just saw an ad on TV for the University of Alaska. It said they had 16 campuses. Honestly, that’s the strangest thing I have heard all month.

I know this is really messed up, but I couldn’t help but laugh. I was playing poker online the other day, and the guy who I was playing against had the screen name “CacncerLOL.”

After UCLA’s football team beat USC, this girl I knew from high school put up a myspace bulletin with something like “Go Bruins” or some other hogshit touting UCLA. I immediately deleted her from my friends.

But, I admit, online social networks are sometimes actually really nice. When I was reeling from the tragic loss the other day, I felt immensely better after joining the group “Pat Cowan may have beaten us, but he will never beat acne,” complete with a close up shot of the downright ugly UCLA quarterback.

Rapper DMX, when trying to explain how a groupie “raped” him a few years ago, leading to the birth of a child: “Because when I sleep, my man be out.”

There is an Ethiopian food place down the street from my house, but I am kinda scared to try it. I mean, what the hell is Ethiopian food? Sticks and ants?

The only time I'v ever failed to wash my hands at a bar

I went to a bar in the south bay the other day and had an unfortunate experience. This particular bar happened to have a single person bathroom with a lock on the door. There was a single, unenclosed toilet sitting next to a sink across from the entrance. Immediately next to the door was a small divider behind which a urinal sat, unseen from the entryway. I went in, and, realizing I only needed to drain my lizard, didn’t bother with locking the door. I was fairly drunk, and I don’t think I immediately comprehended the fact that this place (which was a pretty big bar) actually had a single person bathroom.


I was happily peeing away behind the wooden divider when I heard the door open right next to me. Some dude came in and I could hear him click the lock shut. I probably should have said something to alert him to my presence, but I held my tongue, figuring he would see me and realize the bathroom was occupied.

Unfortunately, I watched in horror as this poor young man proceeded to immediately throw down his pants and let loose a disgusting and powerful shit, one that I could hear the water splashing, probably hitting his butt cheeks in a truly gross fashion. He didn’t even look up and notice me until after he had finished his first round of what I can imagine were pretty gnarly chunks. I was mortified with embarrassment. And, as you can imagine, he was twice as embarrassed as I.

I tried desperately to look as far away from him as possible as I zipped up and quickly exited the bathroom, not even bothering to wash my hands. And when I got out, there was a girl waiting for the girl’s toilet, who could clearly tell that I had been in the bathroom with another dude. Just a bad experience.

And I swear that’s the only time I have ever failed to wash my hands in the bathroom at a bar.

An Upliftling Show

[FellowLawStudent]: I feel bad, I told my sister that I would help her with this essay she needs to write for an internship in DC
[FellowLawStudent]: she just sent it to me but I dont have time
[FellowLawStudent]: and its awful
BigScottyB: and you have more important things to do during finals
[FellowLawStudent]: i mean, listen to this
[FellowLawStudent]: "While most 18 year olds have the latest hit single on their ipod, I have multiple George W. bush interview podcasts. "
[FellowLawStudent]: she actually wrote that, I want to throw up
[FellowLawStudent] : hey, at least her essay is making ME feel really really smart
BigScottyB: haha
[FellowLawStudent]: I think I need to remember that sometmies
[FellowLawStudent]: compared to most people in this country
[FellowLawStudent]: im friggin albert einstein
BigScottyB: haha
BigScottyB: ever watch the show on mtv true life?
BigScottyB: i watched the one "im addicted to meth"
BigScottyB: that made me feel great about my life