Screen names, usernames, and sign-in info

So since about the 7th grade when I first got America Online, back when we actually used dial-up and checked email twelve times a month instead of twelve times per day like I do now, my online identity has always been BigScottyB. I was never really fat, but I remember the maximum length of a name was ten characters and for some reason my buddy Joe and I agreed that length of this name was perfect. Eh, 13 year old logic I guess.

From then on, whenever I signed up for anything, my online name was always bigscottyb. I use it for my email, AIM, myspace, my allofmp3.com account, even my online bank account. (I keep a separate email account for school and work stuff- as my buddy Charles put it, you can't ask for a letter of recommendation from a professor from the email address shitasstits@fuck.com)

Well, I consider myself the original BigScottyB. So it drives me crazy when I sign up for something and that user name is taken. For my yahoo fantasy sports account, my usual moniker was taken so the site offered some other suggestions: bigscottyb845 and bigscottybus. I think it was a reference to the United States, but I thought "bus" was kinda funny. So that has been my default name for a good five years whenever someone else has stolen my usual title. I'm sure I have been on message boards or something where people read my name and assume I must weigh 350 pounds- in a 12 character stretch I have used two descriptors that make me sound huge- and I didn't even realize this until just now.

So recently I signed up for match.com and much to my chagrin BigScottyB was taken. Realizing the above mentioned problems with the impression BigScottyBus gives, I needed to find a handle. Match.com, as helpful as it is offered a few suggestions: first, bigscottyb578. Eh, ok, pretty uncreative, Ill pass. Next: bigscottybcookie. WTF? Finally, one that made me lough out loud when I read it: bigscottdumpling. Thanks, match.com, but I think I will stick with scottyb followed by some random numbers. Bigscottdumpling isn't exactly what I'm looking for.

To those who participated in OCI:

Dear Ms. [recruiting coordinator]:

On behalf of myself, I would like to thank [firm] for taking the time to call me and set up a callback interview. I very much enjoyed receiving a callback.

I was very impressed with the credentials of your firm. Unfortunately, it does not appear that I am in a position to come in for a callback. There were many qualified firms at on campus interviews, and despite your fine record, my callback abilities are limited.

Again, it was a pleasure receiving a callback from you. I wish you the best of luck and am confident with the abilities of your firm you will continue to practice the law profitably.

Sincerely,

Scott, His Ego & Sarcasm, LLP

Match.com

So I happened to be searching through match.com today when I came across this description on a person's profile:

"I am 22 years old and just moved out LA. I enjoy kicking back and watching a good show or movie. However, I also enjoy going out and having a few drinks and a fun time with friends at night. I am looking for someone to go out with and connect with. I love to laugh, so a sense of humor is a must!"

So basically you enjoy doing things (kicking back, watching TV or a movie, having drinks with friends) that everyone enjoys doing. Wow, how shocking. Next, this young woman mentions that she is looking for someone to "connect with." No shit? You signed up for somewhere between $14.99 and $38.98 per month, depending on how long you signed up for and if you want the extra "MindFindBind with Dr. Phil" option, and went to the trouble of putting up eight pictures of yourself taken from the best possible angle to show only your good features (oh and it's interesting how the girls who put body type as "curvy" never seem to put up full body shots) on a huge internet dating site and you feel the need to reiterate that you are attempting to meet someone? Finally, our hopeful dater mentions that she loves to laugh. Really, I think you might be the only person on Earth who feels that way. This part is so original it really sets her apart and shows what a dynamic, interesting, different type personality she has. Are you kidding me?

Even if I were paying for this website, and she had some gorgeous pics up, I would still not email her. What does she expect? Would she honestly email some guy if they had a description up like that? Hmm, well maybe would if the guy had a nice six pack in one of his pics.

Damn. I wish I had a six pack.

The 1L Serenade

I didn't write this... but it was one of the funniest thing I have read in a while. Thanks, Mr. Gunderson.


********************************


The 1L Serenade

By Michael P. Gunderson

________________________________


When you need a break from studying Torts,

Just come on over, and pull off my shorts.

I won't be Neglectful as I caress your booty,

And I promise I won't stick it where you make your "Duty"

________________________________


There will be some hair pulling, and a whole lot of biting

I'll work you harder than that memo you did in Legal Writing

You'll want to take it slowly, so that we can last all night

But I'll be so eager to violate your Due Process Rights

________________________________


Issue, Rule, Application, Conclude…

I'll eat you girl, like some delicious food

Come join me in bed, we'll mutually assent

I'll put a ring on your finger, and pay all your rent

________________________________


After a long night of cramming, nothing makes me hotter

Than bending you over and knowing the difference between murder and
manslaughter

Those other guys in your section, they're just a bunch of jerks

Now pull out my Palsgraf…and I'll give you a real package of fireworks

________________________________


Now take off your shirt, and bring out some lotion

Girl I'm going to give you a taste, of my Rule 12(b)6 Motion

Gaze at me lovingly, look lustfully into my eyes

Now grab all my cases, and click, "Shepardize"

________________________________


Your heaving rack, its more than I can stand

It's hard to control, my Learned Hand

I can't keep it in, I've got quite a load

My unit is so big, its governed by the Uniform Commercial Code

________________________________


I want to plow your fields, ride you like farmers ride their tractors

Dinner and a movie are going to be our mitigating factors

We'll bring it back to my place, and really raise the roof

I won't stop lovin you girl, until we've both met our burden of proof.

________________________________


So heed this poem, you know you are my obsession

I wanna engage your chest in some adverse possession

This is an open invite, of indefinite duration

You are always welcome to come over and grab my statute of limitation.

Pizza and panels

I went to a lunch the other day hosted by career services with a panel of recent grads at my law school working at small law firms. I really have very little intention of working at a small firm, but I had finished my reading, I was hungry, and they had free pizza.

Basically, all the attorneys said was “ the hours are shorter than biglaw but we get paid less.” No shit. Actually, not all of them agreed that the hours were necessarily shorter. When one lady said her hours were reasonable, this guy blurted out “I must be working at the wrong place.” He worked as a personal injury attorney. Yeah, buddy, you might be working in the wrong place.

Although I guess I shouldn’t rip on people who decide to become personal injury attorneys. Hell, why wouldn’t you want to spend nearly forty grand a year (probably in loans that will make the total cost of attendance somewhere more in the neighborhood of 55-60K just for tuition) to have the ability to file simple civil claims for people who have been rear ended. Just seems like kind of a waste of a really good, expensive education. Is that arrogant of me? I’ve been accused of being arrogant before.

It was interesting seeing the group of people at this small law firm panel. Not a single law review student was there, but two of my buddies, I.F. and F.D., were. That pair, I believe is in the bottom ten of the class. Not bottom ten percent, bottom ten.

Anyway, the advice the attorneys gave was useless. They all pretty much said they got their job through their sister or neighbor or knew someone. Wow, that’s great advice. Hopefully everyone there has a sister or neighbor who knows of a firm with a need for a new attorney from the bottom quarter of a school with less than 80% bar passage rate.

I’m happy I have callbacks. And I’m happy I attended that panel, because the pizza was good.

Grandma and Ludacris

I just ate the longest baby carrot I have ever seen. It really wasn’t that unusual; it was kinda like a small regular carrot.

I love it when I’m filling out address forms online, and there is an option box under your name for company name. I always get a kick out of it several weeks later, when I get something addressed to Scott Ball at “Scott Ball Enterprises.”

I got a bowling ball for my birthday, which I like, but I’m a bit apprehensive about using. I feel like if I go bowling with my friends and bring my own ball and shoes, everyone is going to look at me and expect me to be a good bowler. If I bowl poorly everyone will just think I’m a dork for having my own ball. If I bowl well, they will think I have no life and bowl all the time. It’s kind of a lose-lose situation.

You might call me a dork (and it would not be unwarranted), but after taking Constitutional Law I have clearly identified my favorite Supreme Court Justice of all time (Harlan) and my least favorite (Taney).

I love the MTV show “Next.” I know it’s mean, but my favorite part is when a girl just gets off the bus and the guy immediately “nexts” her. The best is when you know it’s coming. Some skanky looking, chubby girl will get off the bus and say something cheesy and sexually suggestive like “guys love me because I know how to polish a doorknob with my mouth.” The guy takes one look at her, instantly yells “next” and the girl gets back on the bus, telling the other girls how ugly he is. Never fails to amuse me.

One of the reasons I love weddings is when champagne combines with a weird mix of songs from the DJ to result in my seventy-six year old grandmother dancing to Ludacris.

I love crushed ice, but I rarely seem to have the patience to wait the fifteen seconds it takes to dispense the crushed ice from my freezer. Actually, come to think of it, if I can’t wait fifteen seconds, I guess I don’t really love crushed ice that much. Nevermind.

I just ate a sandwich with melted cheese and undercooked bread. It was a totally confusing experience.

I saw this really hot girl at the post office today. She was in her early twenties and just a gorgeous girl in every respect. The crazy thing is, she worked there. What? How many hot, young, women decide, hmm I think at the ripe old age of 23 I’m going to get serious and start a career at the United States Postal Service?

Miami Heat point guard Jason Williams, when asked why he doesn’t lift weights: “They’re too heavy.”

Whenever there is a penalty kick in a soccer game, it really cracks me up when the goalie dives in the opposite direction of where the ball is kicked. Nice job, buddy, you really gave your team a chance there.

I hate how all law students are such goddamn over achievers. And everyone is so excited to start school at the beginning of the year. In my first class, business organizations, the furious note taking on laptops just about drove me crazy. The professor would say “an employee is a person who works for an hourly wage or salary” and everyone would start typing like mad as if he had just given out the key answer to the final exam.

I just read an advertisement for a “1 Topping Cheese Pizza.”

I love mirrors at the gym when I work out. But not so I can check myself out in the mirror, or make sure I am using good technique, or something like that. I love being able to blatantly stare at girls on the treadmills without any of the fifteen people around me noticing a thing.

Try as I might, I can’t find a better way for a person to truly express his or her affection for another quite like rapper 50 Cent did when he said, “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.”

Come to think of it, does MTV even play music videos anymore?

I love the soap dispensers in the showers at the gym where I work out. They have this stuff that’s hair and body shampoo in one. Totally saves time. I think I’m buying it for my home. Screw this alternating shampoo and soap thing.

I just bought some steaks that were regularly $11.99 a pound and were marked off to $3.99 a pound. It’s a big night at 5013 Maytime Lane.

I think running a cemetery would be an awful long-term business. You have all these tenants who never pay rent and you can never evict them.

It wasn't me, I swear

I try to play pickup basketball a couple times a week at the gym. Over the past couple years, I have come to a point where I absolutely have to stretch before I start playing, or there is about a 50% chance I will strain or pull something enough that I walk with a limp the next day in class. I guess that’s part of getting a little bit older. The problem is, I still occasionally get pimples on my forehead. I thought those two stages of life were mutually exclusive. I’m not happy about this.

It blows me away that Northwestern State University is in the state of Louisiana. What the hell is Louisiana northwest of? Cuba?

I think it’s funny how macaroni and cheese boxes always list the nutritional content prepared and unprepared. Great, without the butter and milk, a serving of this stuff is only 110 calories. For my new diet I plan on chowing down on the uncooked pasta and then washing it down with this dry powdered cheese mix.

ESPN.com posted a poll online the other day asking it’s readers to cast a vote for what their favorite sport was. I was not surprised to find football was the number one choice. I was a bit puzzled that NASCAR came in a distant fifth, however, behind football, baseball, basketball and hockey. I thought this was the “sport” that has more spectators than any other and regularly draws a hundred thousand fans to a single race. Then I remembered: the typical NASCAR fan is probably not the kind of person who regularly uses things like the Internet.

The other day I got in a debate with a friend who grew up in Canada about whose nation was better. He pointed out that the rest of the world pretty much hates the United States, George Bush, and our constant meddling in foreign affairs, while no such ill will exists towards Canada. I thought about it for a minute, then said, “well, at least all of our magazines are always a buck cheaper than yours.”

I saw a Plymouth Voyager minivan today that had the license plate “OG BLING.”

So I bought a new electric toothbrush the other day, the Oral B Pulsar. I loved it so much I recommended it to my roommate, who also bought a Pulsar. And it was a great brush… until it died and I realized that there were no batteries to replace, and I would have to buy a new one. I considered stealing my roommates’ brush, until I realized he would probably wonder why his suddenly stopped working. Also, he might have been suspicious when he realized it was a different color.

Here’s an interesting fact. In the history of the Kansas men’s basketball team, only one coach has ever had a losing record. That losing coach’s name? James Naismith. But, in his defense, he did invent the game of basketball.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays shortstop BJ Upton’s initials stands for Bossman Junior. Yeah, I would go by BJ, too.

I recently had the opportunity to participate in a game my buddies call “credit card roulette.” It’s a simple game, really. You share a meal at a restaurant with friends, and when the bill comes, you simply each hand the waitress a credit card and ask her to pick which one to charge. It’s a great game until you end up spending fifty-eight freaking dollars at Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. I felt awful about losing the game and spending so much money at such a crappy place until my buddy Moises tried to console me by telling me, “Don’t feel bad, Scott, it’s just a game. You won!”

I have a just terrible sense of smell. But I don’t think that is a bad thing at all, because roughly ninety percent of the time someone asks me to smell something, it’s along the lines of, “Awww man! Can you smell that?”

I hate it when houses have five digits in their addresses. Are all those digits really necessary? Come on, like there’s ten thousand houses on this street?

When most people play a video game, they choose their character based on which one is the coolest, or which one has the best weapon, but I always chose the best looking female. I figure, if I have to look at the character the whole time I am playing, I might as well be looking at a hot chick.

After spending the past six weeks in an energy drink induced frenzy preparing for, and taking my finals, I have decided that my tuition money may have been better spent if I had invested all of it into stock of Diet Rock Star.

I saw a bumper sticker on a car the other day that said “Deaf Chicks Rule.” I was about to honk to show my support, but then I thought – what’s the point?

The student group USC Law Democrats has a board at school they usually use to promote favorable propositions or endorse various democratic candidates. This week, however, the group has posted a much simpler message: a photo of Dick Cheney, smiling happily as he holds a rifle.

I read an interesting case in my criminal law book the other day where a defendant tried to claim self defense after he shot an innocent Asian kid. To support his claim, the guy offered evidence that he believed the kid was an expert in martial arts because of his race. In other words, his defense was that he shot a random Chinese kid because he was afraid the kid was a ninja.

So I’m watching an NBA game, and the coach calls timeout with his team down seven, and 11 seconds left. I really wonder what he is saying to the team. If I were coach, I would be completely lost as to what to tell them. “Well, uh, we better start throwing up some threes, I guess. And do it really fast.”

For my spring break this year, I set off with a couple of friends for Las Vegas. Coincidentally, I received my tax refunds the very same morning I departed on my trip. I’m not going to take that as a sign that I don’t need to worry about what I lose in Vegas or anything…. no, wait, I am taking it as a sign.

The other day my friend forgot to take a porno out of his laptop and in the middle of class he accidentally hit the button on the side of his computer and it popped open, revealing to this cute girl that sat next to him that he did, in fact, own the DVD “Naughty Blondes.” He was really embarrassed. At least, I think he was really embarrassed. Because this happened to a friend, not to me. I swear.